Big Red Goes Green - Part 2

“So what’s the deal with taking me for a ride with your little red-and-green clad thugs, Big Red?” I said to my old friend as we moved into the heart of his workshop on the Island of Misfit Electronics. “I was worried when I noticed this big guy over here was packing heat,” I added, indicating the enforcer elf I’d nicknamed Stomp, who stood nearby with his big hands in his little pockets.

Big Red, also known in more conventional social circles as Santa Claus, just kept smiling as he looked over at the husky elf. “What? Brownie?” Big Red chortled heartily. “He’s not packing heat, pal. He’s just trying to keep his hands warm.”

With a defiant sneer on his face, the big elf pulled a toy train from his vest pocket and looked menacingly at me, as if he intended to throw the locomotive at my head. Of all the elves in all the toy factories in all the world, I had to run into a bogart with an attitude.

“You want something to drink? How about a nice soda?” Big Red said anxiously amid the seething mass of elves surrounding us. He signaled a passing sprite that was carrying a crate of Pixy Stix, whispered something in a little pointed ear, and a moment later, the pixie was bringing me a cold Sprite and one for the big boss as well.

“I thought you always drank Coca-Cola,” I noted. “Like in all the old magazine ads and calendars.”

“That’s all gone to the polar bears now,” the bearded old man said sadly as we sat down. “That is, as long as we still have polar bears up here at the North Pole.” He paused. “I’m afraid they’re all going to drown.” The bearded man swallowed his soda in a single nervous gulp and crushed the empty can in his mitten before tossing it toward the closest recycling bin.

Big Red returned his gaze to me. “I had my boys bring you here so we could talk about some serious business, old buddy,” he sighed. “This is going to be a very difficult Christmas unless I get some advice; some good advice some somebody like you.”

I nodded, understanding what he was driving at. Ever since the big Grinch Robbery back in ‘66, Big Red had relied on me for the type of insider information that could help a magical toymaker through hard times.

“I’d like to help you out, Red, but I’m not a newspaper reporter any more,” I said, shoving the fedora back on my head and pointing to the blank spot in the brim where my PRESS card used to be tucked. “I don’t have the same contacts that I had back in the old days. I work for a company that strives to add life to old computers and other electronics; to keep electronics waste from going to landfills or being dismantled by people in countries that have no laws on the proper disposition of toxic materials. I’m all for protecting the environment now. That’s what I do.”

“That’s exactly the kind of advice I need,” Big Red replied, his eyes brightening like fresh peppermints, but his “ho-ho-ho” still sounding a little forced. “I’m aware of who you work for now. I can see you when you’re sleeping; know when you’re awake. I know whether you’ve been bad or good, remember?”

“Yeah, I remember,” I said humbly, recalling the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree Caper of ’65.

“It’s just that I’ve run into a few little snags that are making my job more difficult. The whole world is finally starting to wake up to an environmental nightmare. And I’m looking at everything we do from a green perspective, even Christmas.” Big Red swept his mitten majestically, taking in the busy landscape. “From the toy factory and candy cane concessions to the distribution deals I have with thousands of other mainstream manufacturers, I’m revising our operations to help deal with this environment crisis. I’m just not sure that I know how to accommodate this new way of thinking,” he said.

I leaned back in the comfortable rocker beside Big Red’s candy-coated throne. “How can that be true, Red? You’ve always been a symbol of environmental stewardship. You’ve got a magic sleigh that utilizes power from well-fed reindeer rather than internal combustion engines, despite that old party bus your elves used to bring me here. You’ve always promoted the giving of handmade crafts and toys at Christmas, rather than manufactured gifts that waste valuable natural resources. You even pioneered the concept of recycling by incorporating the Island of Misfit Toys into your regular toy factory operations over at the North Pole.”

“That’s all true,” Big Red said. “But I keep feeling that there’s more that I can do. My business partner, Mrs. C, handed me some research the other day that indicated more than 50 percent of people today prefer to receive eco-friendly gifts for the holidays. Yet, the kiddies are demanding just the opposite. How am I going to handle that growing trend? Whereas I used to please children with wooden toys and a lovely decorated tree on Christmas morning, the kids today expect sophisticated technology in their stockings.”

Big Red nervously tangled his fingers in his long white beard. “I’ve made a lot of business deals in recent years to distribute electronics manufactured by others, but delivering technology that’s eventually going to be landfilled makes me part of the problem!”

I rubbed my own hairy chin, remembering that the bristles were growing almost as white as the old man’s beard. “I see your problem. And with each holiday season, the problem grows larger. Yesterday’s hot computer or handheld device is tomorrow’s ecological nightmare. Every new gizmo in a stocking likely means an old gizmo is getting tossed out. You’re looking for some way to diminish your carbon footprint by helping others to reduce theirs.”

“You get the picture, old buddy,” Big Red said, relaxing a little and reaching for a plate of green-frosted cookies. “And we’ve got to move fast. This factory we’re occupying is being evacuated soon because the carbon gas emissions from computers and servers and data centers, just like the emissions from cars and airplanes, are making the ice melt.”

“You mean?”

“Yes,” Big Red exclaimed. “My North Pole workshop is sinking into the Arctic Ocean. If we don’t act now, my Christmas present-delivering days may be over!”

Read Part 3 of Big Red Goes Green on Wednesday!